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Record My Mind: Banal Records of a Pedestrian Life

Suffering and evil overwhelm me and I stew in my own juice. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

1/19/2005 06:30:00 pm - R.I.P. Blackie


Blackie is dead. She passed away at 5:10 p.m. today.


The Mahs decided to put her down today. I took urgent leave after they informed me at eleven plus in the morning. She was in too much pain, at times collapsing after standing up. The Mahs wanted to end her suffering as quickly as possible. Their decision this morning surprised everyone. They came back only last night. It was not obvious to A, J and me that Blackie was in that much pain. We are probably not as sensitive towards animals as they are.

There were two injections. After the first one, she started urinating and defecating. We all cried as she was about to be injected. I could no longer be detached and cried despite my best efforts. While she was dying, we said our goodbyes to her.

The nurse performing the euthanasia agreed with me when I said she's gone. I was looking at her in the eye. CC and I tried to close her eyes after she passed away, but without much success. If that happened to a human corpse, the Chinese would say that the person didn't die in peace (I can't get the exact translation here). I wonder whether Blackie wanted to continue living. I wonder whether she expected to die, expected us to put her down.

We grieved in private and continue crying in another room with Blackie laid out before us. Not so long ago, I saw a pet owner grieving over her dead cat as some presumably Taoist priest performed the last rites. Now, it was our turn.

We took turns hugging each other. It was probably the first real hug CC and I had in years. There's finally closure. We left the room to wash our hands. I wanted to smoke but forgot to bring my cigarettes.

While walking back, I was struck by the hustle and bustle on the roads. It was as if nothing and nobody in the world recognised or took account of our grief, despite it being so real and intense for us.

While crying, I said to myself I never want to be involved with animals or pets again. Not even in the role of a custodian. This is too much to bear.

I remember us stroking her while she was dying; moving her head so that can rest her head and die more comfortably; her eyes; and her tongue falling out of her jaw.

Rest in peace, Blackie.


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